The Journal of the Great Dan Cahill
by BleedingFlames
Summary: The journal of Dan Cahill. Beware! Intense humor, wacky jokes and shallowness. If you experience diarrhea, chills and even death, contact your doctor immediately because this story might not be right for you.
1. Chapter 1

**January 15, 2011**

Dear Diary,

Ugh! I hate this. But since I'm already failing English and Mrs. Marsh told me to write a 100-day journal for extra credit, then I guess I'm doing this.

Anyway, I hate being back at sixth-grade. There's no thrill to it, except the occasional prank and the hallway bullies. Ha! I've tackled worse than bullies. A whole team of them. The Holts, The Wizards, The Starlings, The OHs and even...The Kabras.

Although they did turn out alright in the end. Well, the children I suppose. I don't know what's going on with Isabel and that fancy hairdo of hers. Great-Uncle Fiske won't tell me anything and the same can be said for Mr. McIntyre.

Forget this, I'm going to write a list of things or subjects I'll talk about in my next journal entries:

-Skinny Jeans

-Amy

-Natalie Kabra

-Call of Duty: Black Ops

-Grace

-Great Aunt Beatrice

-Gerbils

-Tiffany Millar

-Algebra

-Romeo and Juliet

With all the lovey-dovey love I can muster,

Dan


	2. Chapter 2

**January 16, 2011**

Dear Diary,

Let's see, on my list...skinny jeans? Hmm...maybe I'll skip that for today. I'm wearing baggy jeans and not skinny although that irritable Ian Kabra did send me that for my last birthday along with a pair of loafers.

They'd have to shoot me first before I will wear those ugly loafers. It will make me look like Hollywood's going to do a remake of Revenge of the Nerds with me as the lead.

Amy? Hmm...maybe not today. Tiffany Millar?

Okay, Tiffany. Fine. Tiffany Millar's the hottest girl in my class. Long, brown hair and those hazel-colored eyes and she's captain of the cheer leading squad too.

But she's a little dim...okay, maybe dim is a too weak word for her. Dumb, more like it. Do you know what answer she put to Mr. Leyfwor's question, 'What is French for I love you?' Her answer: She drew a heart.

With all the lovey-dovey love I can muster,

Dan


	3. Chapter 3

**January 17, 2011**

Dear Diary,

I hate this. I hate this so much.

You wanna know why? Perfect Natalie and Perfect Ian Cobras are on the cover of Vanity fair...again. They didn't win the Clue Hunt, they went poor for 2 minutes, They're mom's in jail and still they get to be on the cover of a magazine!

Besides, I heard Tiffany Millar and her friends gushing about Ian's perfect looks.

If only they knew what his boxers looked like...Pink dollar signs against a white background...a classic...

If they knew how an arrogant, stuck up, greedy, selfish, too-good-for-you prick Ian really is, I bet they'd come running away from him.

But then again, girls always seemed to like those kinds of boys.

Hmm...

With all the lovey-dovey love I can muster,

Dan


	4. Author's note

**Hey guys, **

**So a friend of mine, Kathryn, passed away last January 24, 2011 due to an accident. **

**Please give me a week to mourn her. I promise that after a week, I'll be updating all my stories. **

**PEACE.**

**Thank you. **

**Spread the L.O.V.E**

**~DestroyRomance**


	5. Chapter 5

**January 18, 2011**

Dear Diary,

Headed to my friend, Travis Teller, today and we played World of Warcraft. I beat him! Hahahaha!

On a bitter note, my History teacher is so stupid. When I told my classmates that my fact for today was that Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Marie Antoinette were actually cousins, she told me that I was making up that fact and that they were not cousins.

How stupid!

And I told her so, so she sent me to detention.

Prick.

With all the lovey-dovey love I can muster,

Dan


	6. Chapter 6

**January 18, 2011**

Dear Diary,

Broke Nellie's ipod today.

She's on the warpath and now we're not really talking.

Oh well.

Win some loose some, I guess.

With all the lovey-dovey love I can muster,

Dan


	7. Chapter 7

**January 19, 2011**

Dear Diary,

I tried to cook spaghetti for Nellie so that she could forgive me.

That didn't turn out so well.

1. I forgot to stir the noodles so they stuck at the bottom of the pot.

2. I tried to make my own sauce. Result: The kitchen splattered red.

3. I tried to bring out our best plates for Nellie to eat in. Result: The china cabinet on the floor and Saladin looking at me reproachfully.

4. I wanted to light candles on the dining table so that it would have an effect, like, a candlelit dinner. Result: Our best tablecloth in ashes.

5. I cooked dessert for her: Blueberry pie. Result: Utter disaster

With all the lovey-dovey love I can muster,

Dan


	8. Chapter 8

**January 20, 2011**

Dear Diary,

Reeyah Marciaglo, my Italian classmate, had her birthday today. Since it's a school rule, every person in class had to give her a gift.

I wrapped a barbie doll for her. Think she will like it? I mean, all girls love barbies...right?

With all the lovey-dovey love I can muster,

Dan


	9. Chapter 9

**January 20, 2011**

Dear Diary,

We're supposed to write a song for Music Class. Ms. Mattins, the teacher, is an ogre in real life. How do I know? Her breath smells like my gym socks and her skin is green. Seriously. Anyway, I'll write my song draft in here. It's supposed to be for Ms. Mattins since she's going to be retiring in June.

_'You're breath smells like stinky cheese_  
_Gym socks and a moldy sandwich. _  
_Your eyes are as yellow as a hive full of bees_  
_And you have the same skin color as the grinch. _

_You wear clothes like you're stuck in the sixties,_  
_And your voice makes me wanna scream_  
_Your perfume smells like the underside of a geese_  
_And your armpits smell like sour cream!_

_Oh Ms. Mattins, I'll be glad when you retire_  
_We don't have to sing songs anymore_  
_Oh Ms. Mattins, your hair's like a rubber tire_  
_Oh Ms. Mattins, I'll see you out the door!'_

You think she'll like it?

With all the lovey-dovey love I can muster,

Dan


	10. Chapter 10

**January 20, 2011**

Dear Diary,

Here in detention.

All I did was throw mac n' cheese at the lunch lady because I said to give me a turkey sandwich, not a mac n' cheese.

This is a crime! A tragedy!

I shall make a call to human rights!

With all the lovey-dovey love I can muster,

Dan


	11. Chapter 11

**January 21, 2011**

Dear Diary,

Today was Gym and we had to reach the tiny bell at the top of the hanging rope and ring it. The rope was about four feet long and we had to climb it. If you could climb it in less than two minutes, Coach Simmons would give you an A+

Thank God Hamilton Holt taught me how to climb stuff back during the Clue Hunt. And that was how my day went, nothing funny or weird.

With all the lovey-dovey love I can muster,

Dan


	12. Chapter 12

**January 22, 2011**

Dear Diary,

Great-Uncle Fiske has a lot of stuff going inside his head. He's planning to do a Cahill Secret Santa! First of all, it's in the middle of January. Second, why would my relatives like anything given by us? Third,…Okay, I can't think of a third reason but still! A Cahill Secret Santa?

Great-Uncle Fiske already proposed this idea over the phone to the different branches. The ones participating in the Secret Santa are the Holts, Ian and Natalie Kabra, The Starling triplets, Jonah Wizard, and of course Amy, Nellie and me.

They have agreed to fly to Boston tomorrow. The secret Santa will take place in five days. Ugh. I want to kill Great-Uncle Fiske for thinking up of this.

With all the lovey-dovey love I can muster,

Dan


	13. Chapter 13

**January 23, 2011**

Dear Diary,

Well, my crazy-dumb-no-good-dirty-rich-evil cousins are here and when I say here, I mean HERE INSIDE OUR HOUSE! Great-Uncle Fiske had refreshments served up first. Burgers, Fries, Milkshakes, Shrimp sandwiches and skewered Lobster and Buffalo. The burgers, fries and the milkshakes are for the Holts. Do you see them eating the kind of stuff the Cobras, oh sorry, the Kabras eat?

Heading downstairs in a few seconds to find out who I pick…Cue dark music here.

With all the lovey-dovey love I can muster,

Dan


	14. Chapter 14

**January 24, 2011**

Dear Diary,

My life is over. It's officially over. I, Daniel Arthur Cahill, can no longer show my face in any public place except the video game and the baseball cards stores around the block. Apart from that, I will become a house hermit and will no longer go out of my home.

Do you want to know why?

I PICKED NATALIE KABRA AS MY SECRET SANTA!

Thank you Great-Uncle Fiske. Thank you for ruining my life.

With all the lovey-dovey love I can muster,

Dan


	15. Chapter 15

**January 25, 2011**

Dear Diary,

So I thought about it and I realized getting Natalie Kabra isn't so bad. Great-Uncle Fiske told us there was a limit to the gifts we were going to buy. They had to be below a hundred dollars. Everyone's eyes widened at this and Natalie almost fainted. Ian had to get her monogramed _NK_ smelling salts out of her Prada tote and let Her Majesty sniff it.

"There are things you can buy for a hundred dollars?" Natalie said in that annoying voice of hers

Even Jonah was surprised.

Shopping starts tomorrow. I don't know who Amy picked (SHE WON'T SHOW ME!) but since Nellie and I are on speaking terms (Forced by Great-Uncle Fiske, mind you) she showed me hers.

Nellie picked Eisenhower Holt.

With all the lovey-dovey love I can muster,

Dan


	16. Chapter 16

**January 26, 2011**

Dear Diary,

Day 1 of shopping for Natalie Kabra.

Disaster. Complete Disaster.

At least Nellie was there but we only had to go to one store to get hers. Do you know what she got Eisenhower? A hundred-dollar gift certificate to McDonalds. Classic. I was busting up my brains laughing when she was asking about that in McDonalds.

And do you know what I bought?

Nothing.

First we went to Prada, as if they sell anything below a hundred dollars, and we got kicked out because there was a woman there with a stupid yapping dog and that dog wouldn't shut up and it was already giving me a headache so I placed it inside one of the biggest Prada bags and closed the zipper.

Then we went to a bookstore where we got kicked out again. I saw a book there, _How to make Paper Airplanes_ and I started laughing so hard because who would seriously write a book like that? And the manager thought I was laughing at him so…I got kicked out.

Third, We went to the nail polish section where the minute I entered the store, I tripped over the security guard's enormous feet and accidentally pushed the fire alarm button. People were panicking until the store manager settled them down by explaining what had happened over the PA System. But I still got kicked out.

And since it was already about 5:00 pm, Nellie forced me to go home without buying anything since she still had to make dinner.

Curse you, Uncle Fiske

With all the lovey-dovey love I can muster,

Dan


	17. Chapter 17

**January 27, 2011**

Dear Diary,

Didn't shop for Natalie today. Instead, Nellie made me sit down on the dining table and told me that I seriously need to take a job.

A what?

I argued that I had enough to do at the moment with school and shopping for Natalie Kabra and now a job? But she was strict and told me to get a job since that would help me learn how to be mature and responsible.

She took me down to the newspaper offices and told me to place an ad and since I wanted to write _HIRE DANIEL CAHILL OR ELSE DARTH VADER WILL BE IN YOUR ROM TONIGHT!_ She was the one who wrote the ad. I didn't expect something boring to come out of a person like Nellie. Then we browsed today's newspaper section for any jobs available to kids and we found three.

One was a helper for a Mr. Kanter in his bookstore (A different one from the one yesterday)

The other was for an elderly woman named Mrs. Marshall who had a dozen cats and wanted someone to take care of them.

The third was a babysitter for a three-year-old named Geoffrey. Nellie's going to come with me to apply for these jobs.

With all the lovey-dovey love I can muster,

Dan


	18. Chapter 18

**January 28, 2011**

Dear Diary,

Today, after school, I went shopping for Natalie's gift and finally sucked up something to buy. I had asked a couple of girls at school what to give them if I only had a hundred dollars but it was all hypothetical, of course, and they told me to either get them nail polish or a lip gloss or a puppy.

Well, I couldn't get Natalie Kabra nail polish or a lip gloss since she could easily buy the most expensive one available herself so I went to the pet shop and looked at the puppies for sale there and I bought one for twenty dollars and spent the remainder of my money on food, toys, a bed, a collar and the bowls. All in all, I had five dollars left and I went home where Saladin hissed at the new puppy. I finally shut the dog inside my room. The Secret Santa's tomorrow, anyway.

With all the lovey-dovey love I can muster,

Dan


	19. Chapter 19

**January 29, 2011**

Dear Diary,

Nellie went with me to apply for the jobs. I got the one for Mrs. Marshall and the cats. I need to take care of her cats for three hours when she's off visiting some people in the hospital or in her church. She'll pay me five dollars per hour so all in all, that would be fifteen dollars! I'll take care of her pets every Tuesday and Thursday so that would be thirty dollars every week! WOOHOO! I'M RICH!

Secret Santa in an hour…

With all the lovey-dovey love I can muster,

Dan

* * *

**Guys, please check my profile for my most recent update: 3/29/11 THANKS!**


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